Archives for posts with tag: problems

 

To all my friends here. Due to the lack of funds and lack of help from my family and money going into my car. I will not be online for the rest of the month. I’m behind on the internet and on my phone bill. I have only myself to blame for buying a car, not having a job soon as I thought, and relying on a family member who apparently can not keep their promises. So until I can pay the bill in two weeks I’ll be back online and on the phone. Until then I’ll be fine. Thanks. I feel like somewhere I fail. Maybe I did maybe I didn’t but please pray, hope, wish that I get a job soon. I’m doing all that I can do. It seems like things were going well and then nose dive down. I just hope things get better soon. Thanks again for listening.

Despite this late late night or early early morning post I’m still shaking a little. I feel like my heart was ripped out. Still I feel a mix of remorse and mix of relief in a way. For the past year was really hell in way. To find out that the person you were falling in love with was showing mixed signs of interest can really wreck your mind and blow you into pieces. Saturday he said he will be here to help and then leave me for good. In a way I don’t want to see him but I don’t want him to leave. Its like yin and yang. I want to see the light but I don’t want to be left in the dark but I bask in the dark but not see the light. I don’t know what to say really. Mostly after the talk with is friend made me cry to the point I started to shake badly. I started to shiver and cry and I started to feel sick. It really hurts. But when he called I was numb and I didn’t have much to say since he really didn’t let me say much. A part of me feels maybe I should had kept quiet but I couldn’t take anymore. Promises he never kept and then say he never made them and saying I was wrong. If there wasn’t anything wrong I wouldn’t be upset. I wouldn’t say anything in fact I wouldn’t be here still shaking, in a way hoping that maybe he might stay as a friend. But I doubt it. I just don’t understand why he acts as if he never did anything wrong. Why he can’t seem to see where I am. To still believe that I had someone call him last time when I explained I didn’t tell them to they did it upon himself but he still doesn’t believe it. I just don’t know what to do. If I should let go of him for good or still wait? I just don’t know. Its like the other thing that bothered me was he was telling one person one thing and then telling me another. So now my trust with him is kinda damaged. I feel like he’s just like my dad telling me what he wants me to hear and then telling someone else something else. 😦 and that’s what made me cry as well. To fall in love with someone who isn’t showing me any care or taking any time with me. That’s all I asked as well as telling me what he wanted to do. But he never did…So I wondering where I went wrong. Any suggestions of what I did wrong?

 

I always get talked down about crying when I feel sad or hurt. Its like I’m not supposed to let my feelings out. To be told to get over it and stop crying its not going to help at all isn’t right to say to someone you don’t know well. I cry to get it all out so I’m able to move on. But lately my emotions are spilling over to the point I want to let go again. I feel like I’m failure at everything and all  I get told that I want attention when I cry or feel like this. No one can tell me how to feel when they never been in my shoes. I’m tired of hearing people tell me I was like them before when they can sit there and tell me to get over something or stop being so empathic to someone who isn’t here or shouldn’t matter. I’m not like that and its like the older people in my life is trying to turn me into them. miserable and alone. I just wish though I had a good friend to see or talk to. None of my friends seem to want to talk or see me at all since grandma started to change a lot. I feel like no one wants to be bothered with me because it seems like I’m clingy. I try not to be but its like I am and no one tells me that I am. I just feel no one really does care like they do. No one seemed to take the time I did for them to see then when my life was turning upside down. I stayed up until 3 or 4 in the morning for friends who were so stressed or upset but no one does for me. The only friend that does lives so far away. But even for him though times too has gone the same way for me. But even him tells me there is nothing wrong with me but I feel like there is. Like everyone sees something about me or my personality that I can’t see and no one wants to help me better myself. Or they tell me they will help me and never do. I just don’t know what is wrong with me.

Well I got hit with a major problem. I can’t sell the house for my grandma let alone do anything finacial though it only applies for health and her bank. I’m not getting a job around here at all and nothing is going for me. The mechanic went over my head and ordered parts on my car I had to pay for and still wants to now fix the dents. I can’t afford that :/. I needed the car to travel and now I can’t appeal for the county reassessment on the house. Its waay over the price that she can afford let alone me. My inheritance is now drained thanks to the personal care home and the mechanic putting things on my car without asking let alone paying for her medicine that would cost 65 dollars every 3 months now its 68 dollars every month. I have bills left and right and the most expensive bills won’t accept the POA papers they are just for health and her bank is not for finaces just for endorsing and things if she isn’t present. I can’t legally sell anything unless she is present or something like that but thanks to her mobility issues from a fall she won’t be able to do anything really that requires her to move around. Plus sometimes she’s all there in her mind too. 😦 So this makes my situation even better. A mechanic that had my car for 2 weeks and insists on fixing more things that doesn’t need to be fix and delaying my chance of getting my liscence asap. A personal care home that wouldn’t let me see the papers she signed and didn’t explained that her medicine would be every month when asked and disputed that I should pay all of december when she wasn’t there that month. Now the taxes are about 1400 total and I have no money let alone my 2000 for my car insurance to last for about a year and half is now gone. No one is hiring here or hiring me and no one seems to care either. No one seems to be upfront with me about how much things are and thanks to my soft voice and looking young people aren’t taking me seriously and its really pissing me off. Its like no one cares at all and thanks to my grandma not wanting me to get out on my own when I wanted to now I have to suffer the consequences of taking care of her and two houses and two cars I can’t even keep up with.

Right now I’m tired, flustered, and mad. It’s been almost two weeks my car hasn’t been back here let alone its been 3 months that I don’t have my license since people refuse to help me knowing I don’t have enough money to go to a school. I no longer have the money for insurance both life and car all of it went into my car and most was important but now I feel some wasn’t i.e. wax kit and other aesthetic things for my car. I don’t care if the car isn’t shiny enough or whatever I need a car to get around to get a job, which isn’t coming through for me. Since I was 16 I still haven’t gotten a job. Since I was freaking 16!! I’ve been asking people to help me and all I get is I can’t or you should had done that already. Life isn’t easy at all. I had to take care of my grandma since I was in high school and that almost cost me my diploma. Now I’m struggling to make ends meet and I need new glasses and get my teeth extracted. I don’t even have enough money to go around its like all of  sudden I need this or your grandma owes that. Make matters worse I can’t find her W-2 forms anywhere for this year. I had them together and now I can’t find them. Its like one thing or another and I’m fed up. I can’t live on like this I need to repair both houses and find a way to sell them and houses aren’t selling at all here. It’s just like the job market. Stagnant in some areas and moving up in others and here it isn’t going anywhere but down. Just hope and pray I can get out of this place and get a job somewhere to pay bills and grandma care.