Archives for posts with tag: love

That is what I want, to be like two wild dogs in heat.

To enjoy a day or two with someone…


of the male gender….

Lock eyes like a sniper on the roof

and let the motion take us away….

In the instant lock lips and lower ones guard and let his soul in with mine just a scratch on the surface…


To embrace like angels yet roll around in each others filth like lesser animals…

To peel away the cloth that lines us and to mate like alley cats in the darkness….

                        Sex is a very beautiful yet nasty thing yet it makes us feel 

                                empowered and raw at the same time



As I walk through this concrete jungle. In search of a kindred soul. A twin flame. A long lost friend, a lover if you will. My soul and body aching for another. A soft voice, a well mannered, loving soul. As I’m growing older I’m still looking, yearning, and wishing that someone out there is feeling the same as I do. Someone who wants me as I am.

Well it’s been a roller coaster of hell rather than of love. It’s like boy meets(talks) to girl. Girl thinks boy is cute while the boy is head over heels over mountain over her. Girl tells boy how she feels about him and then boy tells girl how much he wants her and wants her to be happy. Girl feels good and tells boy however she isn’t interested in dating as of now. Boy gets angry and calls girl every name in the book.

Yup that’s my current luck with men.

I stay forward and truthful and yet I get called out of my name again.


Doesn’t anyone know what it is to take one’s time to know someone else?

I mean grant it we live in a fast paced world and though I am old fashioned I like to get to know a person in person not behind a screen. I do genuinely care about people but it’s hard for me to gather feelings for a person who i barely know or barely see. I can’t fall in love or head over heels it doesn’t work like that. It takes time for me to actually get to that. It’s how my mind and heart works.


But in this world no seems to understand that let alone care…

So it’s like when you tell someone how you feel but not all the layers of it it’s like they don’t talk to you to let you explain the rest. They just hear what they want and then hurt you with the truth. To hear that you were never the only one let alone they never loved you just cared. While you still had them close to you in your heart. You still loved them though you say you just had love for them. To be afraid to admit your love never really died it just blossomed. But you were afraid to tell them the truth. Well, now there is a void in my heart. A very deep void. I feel like no matter what he will never truly know how I felt about him. I can only move on since he hasn’t called in two days let along called me back to hear the rest .It feels like a knife not only cut into me but ripped me apart. But it’s life. Sometimes the things we don’t want to say will eat at you and when you do let it out the right person never gets to hear it. They never get to hear you say good bye. I feel like it’s time I close this chapter seeing how I fell for another pretty face and a personality that made me laugh…All I was to him was another girl on his friend zone and he knew I really wished we could had been something. The sex was nothing. Just a lesson in life. The hugs, just assurance that he “cared”. That’s all I could hear from him that he cared a lot. But he cared deeply about other women and it’s complicated. In other words there was another woman he loved, but it;s just my assumption. So here I am pouring out my heart and never go to the root of my feelings. The feelings of chaos. A inner war and conflict of wanting him and wanting to walk away. Love and lust against my fears of rejection and never being good enough for him. A part of me still feels there is a chance but I keep telling myself like I’ve been for the 3 years it will never be. It feels like a knife not only cut into me but ripped me apart.

It will never be at all…

So when I can get myself together I’ll change my number and address and close this chapter once and for all. If he really did “cared” he would had been there when I really needed him. When I called for him. I never hid anything from him yet he was the whole time….

Dreaming of falling leaves
Colored with crimson red
Wondering why
All the trees seem to be dying
Looking up
The sky
Bleeding out
Darkness of tears
Black tar of fears
Swallows all of my happiness
No more light
My eyes cannot see
Until I hear your voice
I tried to reach out
But there is no way out
But there’s no way out
Here take my hand
Your voice seems to fade
But I need you now I can’t
Let go
Let go
What I have now
Hot sticky black tar of fears covers my eyes
Stifles my nose
Mutes my mouth
But I can feel your hand reaching out
Don’t let go
Don’t let go
But it burns my skin
Melts my blood
Those tears destroys my soul
Like acid rain on the porcelain
Your hand melts with everything
Wake up
Wake up
Wake me up
Somebody please help me
You kissed me
My face stings
Burning up I am
Clenching to you
But you too fades into nothing
Just my imagery
Of what my mind wanted so long
You was never real
He was never here

I feel like I’m addicted to you. Like I can’t run away from your intoxicating voice. Hit replay over and over again. I can’t shake off your touch, over and over again. I feel, like there’s no other man who can replace you. I feel, like there’s no other woman who can replace me. I want you next to me, but there’s no way that it’ll happen. I’m playing your game. I promise to be true. To be what you need, to be what you want. I’ll give you everything I have to offer you. I feel like I’m addict to you. I feel like I’m crashing down from that high. That high. That feeling from you. Your love spell. Your lust raining down on me. I can’t feel my innocence anymore. I can’t feel my old soul anymore. Thanks to you.

Despite this late late night or early early morning post I’m still shaking a little. I feel like my heart was ripped out. Still I feel a mix of remorse and mix of relief in a way. For the past year was really hell in way. To find out that the person you were falling in love with was showing mixed signs of interest can really wreck your mind and blow you into pieces. Saturday he said he will be here to help and then leave me for good. In a way I don’t want to see him but I don’t want him to leave. Its like yin and yang. I want to see the light but I don’t want to be left in the dark but I bask in the dark but not see the light. I don’t know what to say really. Mostly after the talk with is friend made me cry to the point I started to shake badly. I started to shiver and cry and I started to feel sick. It really hurts. But when he called I was numb and I didn’t have much to say since he really didn’t let me say much. A part of me feels maybe I should had kept quiet but I couldn’t take anymore. Promises he never kept and then say he never made them and saying I was wrong. If there wasn’t anything wrong I wouldn’t be upset. I wouldn’t say anything in fact I wouldn’t be here still shaking, in a way hoping that maybe he might stay as a friend. But I doubt it. I just don’t understand why he acts as if he never did anything wrong. Why he can’t seem to see where I am. To still believe that I had someone call him last time when I explained I didn’t tell them to they did it upon himself but he still doesn’t believe it. I just don’t know what to do. If I should let go of him for good or still wait? I just don’t know. Its like the other thing that bothered me was he was telling one person one thing and then telling me another. So now my trust with him is kinda damaged. I feel like he’s just like my dad telling me what he wants me to hear and then telling someone else something else. 😦 and that’s what made me cry as well. To fall in love with someone who isn’t showing me any care or taking any time with me. That’s all I asked as well as telling me what he wanted to do. But he never did…So I wondering where I went wrong. Any suggestions of what I did wrong?

Falling in love

More like falling in a deathtrap

You never know if you’ll make it out alive

When you do you might lose a thing or two

Falling in love

More like falling into insanity

It will drive you crazy

Make you feel things you never did before

Make you hear things in a way you could never imagine

Falling in love

Is like a disease you can’t cure all the way

When you fall out of love it still lingers on your tongue

Lingers in your heart, your soul.

Falling in love is maybe its worth it.

Watching her move with the rhythm with you makes my heart sink with sorrow. As she as me a kindred soul with you. Her dress shimmers with golden silk wrapping your body with hers. As I long for that once more as you two melt upon the altar. Her eyes like mine the same day we locked eyes too. The static fills the room as her lips like mine at one time join to seal the love within. But here I am now that woman I saw with you.

Your gaze captures my soul and set it in stone.Your voice lures me into the water knowing I can’t swim towards you.Your touch intoxicates me to the point of no return. Shivers run through when your anger seeps out. Tears rush down as an avalanche tumbles down into a forest when you hold me. Your passion flows through the tips of your hands and wraps me tightly. As if you are imprisoning me under your rule. Your love mixed with lust is my early morning drug to escape your ghost that lives with me in your absence. Yet even now I can’t seem to shake you off of my mind. Every morning, evening, and night I feel you yearn after me. I feel you wanting me.