Archives for posts with tag: living

Well I know my record here has been rather spotty. As well this is a blog about my life lol.

Things have gotten good and some areas not so. I’m still unemployed but thanks to my best friend she is helping me get my car out asap so I can get a job that is willing to hire me. I’m low on cash and the personal care home is using a Lawyer to attack me anytime I’m late on rent. I’m only 2 weeks late within that month it is due. I never pay too late unless something came up. For the past couple of months they have been jerking me around. Claiming I’m abusing my grandma. If not stealing from her and if not that threatening to become her payee while not crediting me the amount I overpaid time to time. I have had it with these people and with the mechanic giving me the runaround with my car. One minute it’s done the next it’s not. One minute I owe nothing next I owe 200. I’m hoping this will be the last 200 they will get out of me and I want my car that day I want to know if all it needs is stickers placed it on I want to be there to see it get in my car and drive home.

Now for the love life I guess. Well it’s been effy. Loverboy and me are on the rocks and I just no longer care to be beached by the friendship. An older man is trying his way through but I’m not interested in him due to the age gap and his temperament. He might seem nice and caring like a father but I don’t need someone to dictate what I can and cannot do if I want to be in a relationship with him. Too restrictive to me. I’m still young and I want to enjoy myself before I buckle down with a career, so why not explore myself this summer with a job and live life as a 20 something. While he on the other hand is 22 plus me and is already set in his ways and wants me to himself. :/ Not so much for me. Sure I wouldn’t mind being a relationship but I rather have a choice in who I want to be with. Just because you are attracted to me doesn’t me I have to go out with you or be with you. But at least I met someone really nice and cute and I’m more attracted to him than the older guy and we get a long great. Well as of now we do. He’s more closer to age range and more up my alley. He respects my bounds and wishes vs. the older guy who is making fences of where and what I can do to get his love. But I hope that wasn’t confusing lol.

So besides that I lost some inches and I’m hoping to keep going to reach another goal. So besides I’m a licensed driver and I missed out on so many jobs because of the car and the mechanic, I’m sure I’ll be updating this saying hey I got a job and a boyfriend. 😀 But lets hope for job 1st!.

Take care everyone!

 

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Lately I’ve been very worn out and depressed again. It’s like a chore to get up and move around even for a little bit. My legs are aching thanks to the post office holding my mail and not having my package there :/. I feel like I’m on this roller coaster of emotions lately. Like finally my heart is releasing emotions but at a time when I need to get my act together. I finally cried over losing grandma in a way. I even cried a bit about having a good friend that no one seems to like either. Its like I’m torn about him really. I’ve been sleeping mostly and staying up until 2 in the morning too. I just feel so tired plus how the neighbor really rubbed me wrong it made me feel even worse. I think I’ll definitely stay far away from her. She’s so negative I don’t need to be that way. Alone and miserable. I have too much good things going and a future as well. I need to keep going regardless what she said or anyone else. I just hope this sleeping spell goes away, and the dry spell too in the friend department.

Though even if one doesn’t ask you lend your words only for it to backfire. If one does ask still one will tell you no its not true you don’t understand you don’t know anything about how I feel.

Though it will hurt to hear yourself actually when you been there.
 When you felt that all life isn’t worth living or that you’re not beautiful. You can say kind words the same that was spoken to you but you have to believe it to make it true. Yet when you try the same approach you end up hearing yourself and you have two choices. Speak positively or just say nothing. Both can end up having results you may not want to see. It is hard sometimes trying to convince yourself as well it will get better. Life has to get better but its only when you try to. Even when the odds are against you say something speak up reach out do something don’t try just do it. There are ways to keep living just push through the bad yet I see posts here and elsewhere saying not to say anything nice to someone who is going through something yet no one reached out when I was cutting, when I try to drink bleach. When I wanted to just run away and wished I was dead or would purposely run in front of a car just to hope they would kill me. I’ve been there done that. I’m still fighting against my own demons and maybe I care too much to help when no one asked. I accept hearing you can’t help me you don’t know me or hearing I never asked for you help or your pity leave me alone. I hear it too many times. All I can do is just hope maybe someone out there would keep going. Just keep going once you actually make a change within yourself to see the sun when it is raining. To see the moon when it is dark. Just keep going because someone out there wish they could see the world like you can. Wish they had a mother or father to lean on. A good friend to talk to. I however no longer have that. MY parents tried to get rid of me, my only father died and my grandmother is clinically insane in a way. My best friend stop talking to me and I fell in love with a man who doesn’t know what he wants or let alone may fear to even say I love you back. Yet I used what was given to me to get what I need and still working on getting myself on my own. Sure there are bills that say late, past due, notice and I still try to make it. I just wish my life would be more easier but I see it will only get harder from here so why not enjoy the little things I do have. A car, a shelter. a dog who listens to me, food and water. Yet I still wish to have some sort of emotional attachment or at least someone here with me since being alone can really bring you down. But I try to keep my head up remembering that time heals and it keeps going. Like the sands from yesterday aren’t here today but the sands of tomorrow of course will come and go as well. Keep moving and don’t let the past stop since it isn’t here to block you.

Lately I’ve been down in the dumps but now I’m setting back to being kinda content. Despite I’ve been told I sound sad or look unhappy I’m back to being me again. I don’t feel sad nor do I feel giddy. Happy to be alive of course but lately I think it’s time to apologize to some of you guys here. I’m sorry that I either had you worried about me. I feel terrible when people do worry and I think next time I’ll keep my mouth close now on. The only way to not feel guilty all the time about something is to be quiet about it. I’m an adult now and I have to solve my problems the best way and not ask for advice anymore. I’m not a little fat girl with a cute face anymore. I’m a overweight adult woman who needs to know that people aren’t nice or want to be your friend because they care. I’ve been told too many times by some people that they was only my friend or was going to date me because they felt sorry for me. Well I don’t feel sorry about myself anymore and I don’t want someone to be with me just because they feel sorry. No more pity parties for me. I’m just going to cry it out alone like I’ve been doing before I got the internet and just push my way like was doing and stop being dependent on anyone. I just wish I could just erased this from you memories. I just wish I never did let it go this far. I have to learn that out of sight is out of mind and it should apply to those who aren’t here to see it with their own eyes. Now I know that it’s better to be empathic to others but don’t expect them to be the same or to show sympathy in return. If only I wasn’t so weak to just break down or cry on the phone. Now I feel guilty as if I’m a needy depenent grub. Something that was told to me not to be. To be strong means not to cry to people or talk about what is really bothering you since it not anyone business but yours. So I apologize to those who is owed one. I’m sorry to those who wanted to be with me but saw my life was too much to juggle. I’m sorry to the ones who walked away because it was hurting them as well. I however am not sorry to those who only wanted something of me but was quite cold about it and was selfish when they wanted the same attention.