Archives for posts with tag: friendship

Well I know my record here has been rather spotty. As well this is a blog about my life lol.

Things have gotten good and some areas not so. I’m still unemployed but thanks to my best friend she is helping me get my car out asap so I can get a job that is willing to hire me. I’m low on cash and the personal care home is using a Lawyer to attack me anytime I’m late on rent. I’m only 2 weeks late within that month it is due. I never pay too late unless something came up. For the past couple of months they have been jerking me around. Claiming I’m abusing my grandma. If not stealing from her and if not that threatening to become her payee while not crediting me the amount I overpaid time to time. I have had it with these people and with the mechanic giving me the runaround with my car. One minute it’s done the next it’s not. One minute I owe nothing next I owe 200. I’m hoping this will be the last 200 they will get out of me and I want my car that day I want to know if all it needs is stickers placed it on I want to be there to see it get in my car and drive home.

Now for the love life I guess. Well it’s been effy. Loverboy and me are on the rocks and I just no longer care to be beached by the friendship. An older man is trying his way through but I’m not interested in him due to the age gap and his temperament. He might seem nice and caring like a father but I don’t need someone to dictate what I can and cannot do if I want to be in a relationship with him. Too restrictive to me. I’m still young and I want to enjoy myself before I buckle down with a career, so why not explore myself this summer with a job and live life as a 20 something. While he on the other hand is 22 plus me and is already set in his ways and wants me to himself. :/ Not so much for me. Sure I wouldn’t mind being a relationship but I rather have a choice in who I want to be with. Just because you are attracted to me doesn’t me I have to go out with you or be with you. But at least I met someone really nice and cute and I’m more attracted to him than the older guy and we get a long great. Well as of now we do. He’s more closer to age range and more up my alley. He respects my bounds and wishes vs. the older guy who is making fences of where and what I can do to get his love. But I hope that wasn’t confusing lol.

So besides that I lost some inches and I’m hoping to keep going to reach another goal. So besides I’m a licensed driver and I missed out on so many jobs because of the car and the mechanic, I’m sure I’ll be updating this saying hey I got a job and a boyfriend. 😀 But lets hope for job 1st!.

Take care everyone!

 

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Despite this late late night or early early morning post I’m still shaking a little. I feel like my heart was ripped out. Still I feel a mix of remorse and mix of relief in a way. For the past year was really hell in way. To find out that the person you were falling in love with was showing mixed signs of interest can really wreck your mind and blow you into pieces. Saturday he said he will be here to help and then leave me for good. In a way I don’t want to see him but I don’t want him to leave. Its like yin and yang. I want to see the light but I don’t want to be left in the dark but I bask in the dark but not see the light. I don’t know what to say really. Mostly after the talk with is friend made me cry to the point I started to shake badly. I started to shiver and cry and I started to feel sick. It really hurts. But when he called I was numb and I didn’t have much to say since he really didn’t let me say much. A part of me feels maybe I should had kept quiet but I couldn’t take anymore. Promises he never kept and then say he never made them and saying I was wrong. If there wasn’t anything wrong I wouldn’t be upset. I wouldn’t say anything in fact I wouldn’t be here still shaking, in a way hoping that maybe he might stay as a friend. But I doubt it. I just don’t understand why he acts as if he never did anything wrong. Why he can’t seem to see where I am. To still believe that I had someone call him last time when I explained I didn’t tell them to they did it upon himself but he still doesn’t believe it. I just don’t know what to do. If I should let go of him for good or still wait? I just don’t know. Its like the other thing that bothered me was he was telling one person one thing and then telling me another. So now my trust with him is kinda damaged. I feel like he’s just like my dad telling me what he wants me to hear and then telling someone else something else. 😦 and that’s what made me cry as well. To fall in love with someone who isn’t showing me any care or taking any time with me. That’s all I asked as well as telling me what he wanted to do. But he never did…So I wondering where I went wrong. Any suggestions of what I did wrong?

Well finally I got to talk but I’m not finish however spilling my guts out to him. In a way I know waht I want but it so much on waiting on what he wants. He’s starting to fear again about some things and I want to calm him down about it. Grandma was doing better today and gave me some good advice. Put it on the table. Just like that she said. Just tell him how you feel and what you think and listen to what he says in return of what he feels and what he wants. I want him to be happy I don’t want to be the one to make him miserble if he doesn’t want to be with me and if he does I don’t want him to feel embarrassed or whatever. But trying to go back into a platonic relationship as friends however isn’t going to be easy. I have a tendency to say things that could make it awkward or cause some unwanted attention drawn to him or me. In a way I don’t want a platonic friendship it would be way too awkward and I couldn’t be able to retract back to the beginning. But if thats what he wants it will be a challenge. I hope though maybe I can talk to him in person soon maybe so I will be able to get all of this off my chest once and for all so I can finally stop guessing or assuming. I wish he was more vocal though but I understand not all people are vocal and the ones who are quiet at the wrong times are usually the ones who need someone to listen them.

Lately I haven’t been able to shake him off my mind.

I dream about him constantly and no matter what he’s still there.

No matter what I try I feel him missing me, haunting me everyday.

I want him.

I need him.

I love him.

Yet I fear that he won’t love me,

He won’t want me in the way I do.

Or need me the way I need him.

Yet I feel that he does want me.

Need me.

Maybe even love me without words.

Yet when I say to someone close they tell me that it won’t work.

He is not worth my time.

My life.

My love.

Yet they aren’t worth my time from their jealousy that is ruining our friendship.

But I can’t let another man’s jealous come between me and the one I do love.

I can’t let anyone else try to change my thoughts of him.

I just have to let go of them so I can love the one I want.

Well got off the phone with the jealous one and they are disappointed with me. Oh well I told them, it is my life it is my decision. I made the mistake of telling him everything going on with me and the current target of my affections lol. Yeah my current target. I was wrong by telling him how I felt and what was happening. Like grandma said be careful of who you tell things because just because they are your friend doesn’t mean they really want the best for you. Some people like to break others up by making a situation worse than it really is or they like to make you think something is there when it isn’t. Just like grandma said about this guy he could get any girl in the world I mean he’s quite a handsome guy by the way but chooses to make it work as friends and see where we go from here. As many times I made him upset and made him feel like I don’t care about him and still he wants to make it work with me. Either he’s desperate or he really wants to be with me or be friends. But I get told he’s desperate and just stringing me along for the ride. Well if I get heartbroken it’s my fault then. I put the bullet in my own foot right? But I’m willing to take the blame, the disappointment and the pain with it. So be it. Life is full of pain right? Maybe I am a masochist I’m probably am really. But he seems not to want to let go and refuses to shake me off either. So why not? Why not talk to him and see where we go from here for all I know maybe he is the catch or not. At least I can learn more about me and him and see how to handle things if he isn’t but I’m friends or dating someone else. I just find it interesting how I can manage do disappoint a lot of people. I’m used to it now, I disappoint anyone who doesn’t agree with me, doesn’t approve of whatever. But its life I’m not gonna please everyone I see. End of random part of day lol.

Well finally we reached the high point in this conflict and now at a resolution. I was surprised to get a call that was contrary to what was said earlier. To hear that he now he sees what I’m going through and how to build it back up. I hope it will work but I think I will let the mutual people know we’re not really doing anything to avoid getting scolded at. I hope he will keep his promise and then move on from this and learn from this. What can be broken can be amended…

Well I spilled out my heart to him. I ended up telling him how I felt last night and this morning I got something I didn’t want to read. 😦 I don’t want to walk away, I don’t want to leave him as a friend but the way he is acting maybe he needs space. I do care about him but I felt maybe over the past couple of months I feel like I was selfish. I spilled everything I felt and to be told that maybe I should just give up makes me feel even more terrible. I feel maybe I should give him space and I told him I will back off and I won’t call him anymore. I feel like I failed in a way but a lot of friends and acquaintance however feels that maybe he was in the wrong when he didn’t take any time to see me when he made the dates. I feel in a way he could had told me he didn’t want to meet up or spend any time or anything but instead would set me up to think he would actually call me back or see me like he would. I guess that is the principle of the matter still. I just don’t know what to do now. Should just back away and just wait for him to call or should I just give up on him completely?

Well today I revieved a text stating that alot has been happening hence the lack of communication. Yet again one had an excuse about not doing somethign they planned with me and went with someone else. So I’m stuck between really believing this or thinking its another excuse to say they don’t really wnat to be bothered. The reaction I got from them lately when I do talk about my feelings has been mostly harsh or being yelled at. A person can only take but for so much of yelling however I do understand that maybe they haven’t been having a great year to begin with. Lately the responses I’ve been getting from people I mingle with is to stop being friends with them even though we had a one time relationship. Most people say they don’t want to bothered since they never invited you anywhere knowing you’ve been alone with no one. Yet apart of me feels maybe they had their reasons but I do feel alienated from them and how lately they have been on edge with me. 😦 It’s not easy to tell what is exactly going on with them when they rarely talk about thier feelings. I try to get them to open up but they just shut back in and wants to get off the phone. I try to just back off and they would get upset when I do. I try not to assume anything but when more than one person keeps telling you the same thing you start to assume. I tried looking through thier eyes and I can see why they would be upset at this point. Alot has been going on and maybe they have thier own way to dealing with things versus how I deal with problems. It is a challenge to change your method of thinking. To stop assuming, to stop getting public opinion, to stop running around a pole and actually look at something through someone eyes. To them they thought I was mad at them but I wasn’t I thought they were mad at me. To assume on both sides in this situation isn’t going to help let alone the lack of communication on one side is making it even more worse than it really have to be. To be told that both of us are probably wrong and both of us must change or atleast take time for each other to talk would probably solve this and both must avoid that faulty way of thinking that is causing a riff that doesn’t have to be. To reliaze that you, yourself is wrong in a matter where people are or were telling you at one point you are right can be dangerous let alone scary. All I can do now is hope that I can resolve this and learn from this. I hope both of us really can learn and learn about ourselves respectively and if we could bring our friendship back to where it was and go from there it would be nice. But I have to understand as well it may not work out for the best and it might be better to part ways. But if one is willing to try again and learn then I hope it will be worth the effort to work on.

my favorite bowl cup broken

broken to the part it cannot be fixed completely…

While I’m sitting here listening to Coheed and Cambria I just feel like I’m back being a little aloof about being alone. My friendship with someone is well now dead completely. It was already on life support after an incident and was dead and brought for the sake of someone having a power trip or guilt trip perhaps? I feel like it is a reason why it fell apart. They just seem not to even see what they did wrong and well for me I saw what I did wrong and what I did right and no matter what I did nothing helped. I kept getting excuses or explanations about how they couldn’t just spend any time with me. Instead I get how they can’t help me but its not the help I want it’s the companionship, someone to talk to someone to listen to, someone to be there to go to the mall or con or whatever was going on that weekend. Instead I get “i want you to be strong on your own” or “I didn’t had anyone to be there for me when I was sick” blah blah. But yet they could spend time with thier friends and then tell me they don’t go anywhere when they do. I hate it when people tell me that. It’s like you really saying I don’t want to spend my time with you because I’m not into you anymore or I don’t feel like being around you anymore. In a way I feel like they got tired of me after a while knowing that I was taking care of a family member which wasn’t easy but when I had the time to get out nothing. When I was able to buy both parties tickets and transportation to six flags or King’s dominion they never called me back in the time they told me they would. Instead I heard from them in almost a week about 4 or 5 days later but they didn’t even mention about going just kept pushing it back. I feel like they got what they really wanted out of me and I feel I learned my lesson. I feel that I shouldn’t open up to quickly or be too eager to please someone even when you are dating or friends. If they can’t do it for you then why do it for them. I saw that I was the one giving too much and not getting anything back. Maybe advice but when I didn’t follow it I would get jumped on or yelled at. In a way I kinda glad I didn’t take all the advice and some I did it another way and I got the results I knew I would get. I think now I should find someone who would listen to me and actually pay attention, do what they say they will do, spend time with me when I just need a day to get away from my stress and lastly someone who isn’t going to try to control me or try ot take my freedom away. So now I know. If someone is interested in you they would follow you on a blog you tell them about, add you when you find theirs or another account and not try to hide you from thier family or friends. I just don’t know why people are like that, ya know, it hurts in a way though. To get yelled at a couple times when you expressed how you feel and they don’t want to listen to you and your opinion or feelings are wrong when they just can’t seem to see what you are going or feeling from them. 😦

Lately I’ve been down in the dumps but now I’m setting back to being kinda content. Despite I’ve been told I sound sad or look unhappy I’m back to being me again. I don’t feel sad nor do I feel giddy. Happy to be alive of course but lately I think it’s time to apologize to some of you guys here. I’m sorry that I either had you worried about me. I feel terrible when people do worry and I think next time I’ll keep my mouth close now on. The only way to not feel guilty all the time about something is to be quiet about it. I’m an adult now and I have to solve my problems the best way and not ask for advice anymore. I’m not a little fat girl with a cute face anymore. I’m a overweight adult woman who needs to know that people aren’t nice or want to be your friend because they care. I’ve been told too many times by some people that they was only my friend or was going to date me because they felt sorry for me. Well I don’t feel sorry about myself anymore and I don’t want someone to be with me just because they feel sorry. No more pity parties for me. I’m just going to cry it out alone like I’ve been doing before I got the internet and just push my way like was doing and stop being dependent on anyone. I just wish I could just erased this from you memories. I just wish I never did let it go this far. I have to learn that out of sight is out of mind and it should apply to those who aren’t here to see it with their own eyes. Now I know that it’s better to be empathic to others but don’t expect them to be the same or to show sympathy in return. If only I wasn’t so weak to just break down or cry on the phone. Now I feel guilty as if I’m a needy depenent grub. Something that was told to me not to be. To be strong means not to cry to people or talk about what is really bothering you since it not anyone business but yours. So I apologize to those who is owed one. I’m sorry to those who wanted to be with me but saw my life was too much to juggle. I’m sorry to the ones who walked away because it was hurting them as well. I however am not sorry to those who only wanted something of me but was quite cold about it and was selfish when they wanted the same attention.