Archives for posts with tag: caregiving

can you help?

Can anyone help me to raise money for my car and my grandma 😦 I really need help. If you guys can read it please do. If you want to know more just message me or comment here. Thank you!

Well I’m burned out. Officially I’m am burnt out to the point I really need to go to counseling or just venting out to anyone who is willing o listen. I need a hug. I need someone to hold me and tell me it’s okay. I need someone to cry to a shoulder to lean onto. I need someone who actually cares. I need someone who is going to do what they say. I need a job to start to save up money and pay off whatever I need to pay off. I need friends who actually care who will visit me when I need a friend. I’m battling myself. I’m battling my inner demons with self harm again. I’m crying myself to sleep sometimes all because I can’t vent out. I can’t seem to tell someone when they are wrong because every time I do I get yelled at or that person just stop talking to me. I’m tired of being nice to others well as. I’m just fed up. I feel like no really cares around where. They wouldn’t care if I never woke up the next day. Just like my parents don’t. Neither of my parents care. The only time they do is when they want something in return. Such as food, money, and a free place to stay. Or they use the whole “what did you do for me?”

“I’M YOUR CHILD FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!!!!” I don’t owe you. I don’t have to repay you for being a PARENT! A FREAKING PARENT! I shouldn’t have to pay my dad back. I shouldn’t have to help my mom out when both of my parents have new families. When both are married with their own children. While here I am alone with no one else. I’m tired of people backing out of their promises, out of what they say. I’m sick of it. I just want to let go or just run away. I don’t care anymore about me. Because I see humans but I see no humanity. I see no honesty, trust nothing just bunch of selfish people. I was told many of times by the same people who won’t help me tell me I’m wrong for feeling that way. Telling me what about my feelings when they never cared about me in the 1st place…I just wish i had someone who cared I just wish I had someone who will talk to me or visit me at least. 😦

Well today I walked passed a neighbor who on occasion would say hi here and there. Somehow we ended up on the subject of my grandma. Make long story short she suggested I bring her back home because she’s probably dying where she is. She started to say that she’s on her last leg, shes unhappy, and I should get her out of this place before it’s too late and wants me to bring her home tomorrow. Even though she seemed okay but the one thing that irked me the most is when she mentioned that the other neighbor could really use the extra money by moving grandma in with her. The other thing that occurred is I had a dream last night about grandma being home and it wasn’t as easy as it seemed either. In the dreams I had about her returning home would apparently to show me that at 1st it was nice people were helping until late summer when she started to become more and more mean and forgetful to the point I was again taking care of her on my own. The dream last night was about her getting angry at me about leaving her all the time for work and it was the winter. She thrashed about and cried and was having a tantrum. Sad thing is this happened before and is why I can’t take care of her anymore. Issues with her returning is also she hates the area we are living in. She refuses to come back to this place but she wants to be home but she doesn’t want to leave where she is too. It isn’t easy at all. I love her is true but what cost of happiness for safety? At what cost of sanity for happiness? Feel free to comment on how and or what you would do feel if you were in my shoes. But my choice is clear. I rather find a better place for her rather than moving her back home. I know my grandmother like the back of my hand. I rather have her in a senior apartment or home with a nurse of some sort to check up on her and for me to visit her as much as I can until I can get on my feet. If she comes back I will never get on my feet. I know this. I had family and friends promising me this before and it didn’t work out.