As I walk through this concrete jungle. In search of a kindred soul. A twin flame. A long lost friend, a lover if you will. My soul and body aching for another. A soft voice, a well mannered, loving soul. As I’m growing older I’m still looking, yearning, and wishing that someone out there is feeling the same as I do. Someone who wants me as I am.

Title says it all!

I now have my driver’s license!!! 😀

“You can’t save the condemned my dear”

from a stranger to me…

😦

Well it’s been a roller coaster of hell rather than of love. It’s like boy meets(talks) to girl. Girl thinks boy is cute while the boy is head over heels over mountain over her. Girl tells boy how she feels about him and then boy tells girl how much he wants her and wants her to be happy. Girl feels good and tells boy however she isn’t interested in dating as of now. Boy gets angry and calls girl every name in the book.

Yup that’s my current luck with men.

I stay forward and truthful and yet I get called out of my name again.

Why?

Doesn’t anyone know what it is to take one’s time to know someone else?

I mean grant it we live in a fast paced world and though I am old fashioned I like to get to know a person in person not behind a screen. I do genuinely care about people but it’s hard for me to gather feelings for a person who i barely know or barely see. I can’t fall in love or head over heels it doesn’t work like that. It takes time for me to actually get to that. It’s how my mind and heart works.

 

But in this world no seems to understand that let alone care…

SageDoyle

The stealth of the deceiver encased me like a tomb
and I, fooled by the madness, resided idly
though it was my own validity to force my escape
or to succumb to the falsity
so I thought
it was my own way to face the precision,
with which my fate
was devised
I never wanted this, never wanted
the lies
Call my name and give it value
there is nothing more I can ask of you
for what once was a refuge
has lamed me
and left me for dead
and you,you alone
bury me

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So it’s like when you tell someone how you feel but not all the layers of it it’s like they don’t talk to you to let you explain the rest. They just hear what they want and then hurt you with the truth. To hear that you were never the only one let alone they never loved you just cared. While you still had them close to you in your heart. You still loved them though you say you just had love for them. To be afraid to admit your love never really died it just blossomed. But you were afraid to tell them the truth. Well, now there is a void in my heart. A very deep void. I feel like no matter what he will never truly know how I felt about him. I can only move on since he hasn’t called in two days let along called me back to hear the rest .It feels like a knife not only cut into me but ripped me apart. But it’s life. Sometimes the things we don’t want to say will eat at you and when you do let it out the right person never gets to hear it. They never get to hear you say good bye. I feel like it’s time I close this chapter seeing how I fell for another pretty face and a personality that made me laugh…All I was to him was another girl on his friend zone and he knew I really wished we could had been something. The sex was nothing. Just a lesson in life. The hugs, just assurance that he “cared”. That’s all I could hear from him that he cared a lot. But he cared deeply about other women and it’s complicated. In other words there was another woman he loved, but it;s just my assumption. So here I am pouring out my heart and never go to the root of my feelings. The feelings of chaos. A inner war and conflict of wanting him and wanting to walk away. Love and lust against my fears of rejection and never being good enough for him. A part of me still feels there is a chance but I keep telling myself like I’ve been for the 3 years it will never be. It feels like a knife not only cut into me but ripped me apart.

It will never be at all…

So when I can get myself together I’ll change my number and address and close this chapter once and for all. If he really did “cared” he would had been there when I really needed him. When I called for him. I never hid anything from him yet he was the whole time….

Dreaming of falling leaves
Colored with crimson red
Wondering why
All the trees seem to be dying
Looking up
The sky
Bleeding out
Darkness of tears
Black tar of fears
Swallows all of my happiness
No more light
My eyes cannot see
Until I hear your voice
I tried to reach out
But there is no way out
But there’s no way out
Here take my hand
Your voice seems to fade
But I need you now I can’t
Let go
Let go
What I have now
Hot sticky black tar of fears covers my eyes
Stifles my nose
Mutes my mouth
But I can feel your hand reaching out
Don’t let go
Don’t let go
But it burns my skin
Melts my blood
Those tears destroys my soul
Like acid rain on the porcelain
Your hand melts with everything
Wake up
Wake up
Wake me up
Somebody please help me
You kissed me
My face stings
Burning up I am
Clenching to you
But you too fades into nothing
Just my imagery
Of what my mind wanted so long
You was never real
He was never here