Archives for the month of: June, 2013

My dad called. Asking about his mom after she told me not to tell him. She doesn’t want to be bothered with him, and he refuses to do that. He keeps calling asking for her and she doesn’t want to see him nor talk to him. He keeps telling me he’s going to sue me or take me to court and make my life hell. I’m tired and sick of him. He won’t listen to me and even accused someone who was took the step to my dad of doing something wrong to me. He even said my memories were programed from my grandma. Besides my dad only wants something when he calls me and starts to tell me lies. My dad well the man who helped created me >_< really has major issues it seems top that off with run ins with the law.

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Earth First! Newswire

by AP

Wolves that wander into Upstate New York or northern New England from Canada or elsewhere would lose federal protection after most of the animal’s species are removed from the federal endangered species list, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service proposed Friday.

Wolves, which have been persecuted to near-extermination, have rebounded, the Fish and Wildlife Service said.

There are no breeding populations of wolves in the Northeast, but there are populations of wolves in Canada not far from the U.S. and wolves from other regions are occasionally found in the region, said Fish and Wildlife Service Endangered Species Specialist Mark McCollough, based in Orono, Maine. Eventually, they will no longer have federal protection, he said.

“They will no longer be protected under the federal act, but the states will be responsible for managing wolves,” he said.

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50 Shades of me

You said she was a failure
A useless waste of space
Never missed an opportunity
To tell her she was a disgrace

You never said you loved her
Never took her out to play
Told her often she wasn’t wanted
That she was always in the way

So she stayed mostly in the attic
Writing down unspoken words
She never spoke around you
You treated her with no regard

Then you ripped up all the paper
That her thoughts were scribbled on
And took away her first guitar
Because you didn’t like her songs

She thought the way you treated her
Was the same for everyone
Although distraught and suicidal
Just accepted what you had done

One day karma will catch you
You’ll have no-one but yourself to thank
Because she’ll leave never to return
And you can take that to the bank

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50 Shades of me

My past won’t leave
And I’m falling apart
I got a bad feeling
This is just the start

Not too long ago
I thought I’d be fine
That I’d be ok that
I’d get there in time

But time isn’t helping
This much I know
Cos I’ve waited and waited
But the pain, it won’t go

I hate feeling like this
It eats me inside
And I can’t count anymore
All the times that I’ve cried

I sit here in silence
I stare at the wall
And hope for an answer
If there is one at all

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Well I’m burned out. Officially I’m am burnt out to the point I really need to go to counseling or just venting out to anyone who is willing o listen. I need a hug. I need someone to hold me and tell me it’s okay. I need someone to cry to a shoulder to lean onto. I need someone who actually cares. I need someone who is going to do what they say. I need a job to start to save up money and pay off whatever I need to pay off. I need friends who actually care who will visit me when I need a friend. I’m battling myself. I’m battling my inner demons with self harm again. I’m crying myself to sleep sometimes all because I can’t vent out. I can’t seem to tell someone when they are wrong because every time I do I get yelled at or that person just stop talking to me. I’m tired of being nice to others well as. I’m just fed up. I feel like no really cares around where. They wouldn’t care if I never woke up the next day. Just like my parents don’t. Neither of my parents care. The only time they do is when they want something in return. Such as food, money, and a free place to stay. Or they use the whole “what did you do for me?”

“I’M YOUR CHILD FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!!!!” I don’t owe you. I don’t have to repay you for being a PARENT! A FREAKING PARENT! I shouldn’t have to pay my dad back. I shouldn’t have to help my mom out when both of my parents have new families. When both are married with their own children. While here I am alone with no one else. I’m tired of people backing out of their promises, out of what they say. I’m sick of it. I just want to let go or just run away. I don’t care anymore about me. Because I see humans but I see no humanity. I see no honesty, trust nothing just bunch of selfish people. I was told many of times by the same people who won’t help me tell me I’m wrong for feeling that way. Telling me what about my feelings when they never cared about me in the 1st place…I just wish i had someone who cared I just wish I had someone who will talk to me or visit me at least. 😦

Well this will be the last time I’ll mention my toxic neighbor. My neighbor who at 1st I had high respect and regard for her since she was an older lady and of course with age as I was told comes with grace and experience. For the last 8 months my life was turned upside down and I had a lot of missed opportunities thanks to her. I learned that a lot of people who say they care about you really may not mean it. After having my hopes up and with her words made up of nothing really put in a position I never wanted to be. Her advice wasn’t helpful at all and at the end of the “relationship” between me and her I learned she is a very bitter person. 😦 I had a feeling that she didn’t really mean to help me in the 1st place. Even though I was nice to her and even helped her and gave her my gas discount I was saving for my car I just bought. In return for my thankfulness for grocery runs to a local store she seemed to had well acted as if I owed her after she told me I didn’t had to pay her back for anything stating that’s what neighbors are for. The thing that really hurt me is when she told me that since I was an adult now at that time of 20 that I shouldn’t cry over my situation and it’s not that bad as she said. But it is. I haven’t gotten a job anywhere. A car that I can’t even drive thanks to no one willing to teach me a manual shift and a mountain of bills to pay and after that I’m lucky to have 10 dollars to my name. She told me one day to stop crying after I ended up breaking down under the constant stress of my life. To be told to stop crying because I’m now an adult and you just have to do deal with things. People don’t stop and cry with life they keep going. That’s what she told me. After that she started to tell me that my idea of getting my own car was wrong. Yet it was her idea for me to get my permit and she will help me get my license. Instead she said she didn’t remember saying that. Shortly after that I decided to hold out on my friend who in turn said that same thing after knowing that I needed help :(. Make long story short I my car after 2,758,90 later is now in running condition and I need to renew my insurance but to lower it I need a license not a permit.. So I’m running against time at this point with the same reply from would be employers. Basically saying you’re not qualified to work here. So here I am venting out and again crying. I have to cry. Crying is good for anyone really. Sure you might get a headache or a runny nose but cry when you need to. Don’t let anyone to tell you otherwise. Sure my life may not be as bad as others but it’s not good either. I have a lot of stress on me and I feel like my cross is getting heavier with the late dues and collections with grandma’s medical bills and getting denied with help with that too. Sometimes I feel like I don’t want to wake up the next day because I feel like no one cares. I feel like I care too much about others and cry over things when I was told not to. 😦 So yeah enough about me and my sucky 8 months. Just hope my luck change eventually.

SageDoyle

homeless 
when my feet touch the earth
I am never roamless
though nothing protects
the blistered soles
and the condolences
of my brothers and woes
with an empty belly
and horrid mind
I find the remorse
and search the divine
homeless
bittered and spit upon
disgraced by mankind
alone I sleep
on the piss splattered street
with a cup of pennies
and no words to speak
dying each day
in the wind and decay
praying my family
is better off than me
and not
homeless

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I feel like I’m addicted to you. Like I can’t run away from your intoxicating voice. Hit replay over and over again. I can’t shake off your touch, over and over again. I feel, like there’s no other man who can replace you. I feel, like there’s no other woman who can replace me. I want you next to me, but there’s no way that it’ll happen. I’m playing your game. I promise to be true. To be what you need, to be what you want. I’ll give you everything I have to offer you. I feel like I’m addict to you. I feel like I’m crashing down from that high. That high. That feeling from you. Your love spell. Your lust raining down on me. I can’t feel my innocence anymore. I can’t feel my old soul anymore. Thanks to you.