Despite this late late night or early early morning post I’m still shaking a little. I feel like my heart was ripped out. Still I feel a mix of remorse and mix of relief in a way. For the past year was really hell in way. To find out that the person you were falling in love with was showing mixed signs of interest can really wreck your mind and blow you into pieces. Saturday he said he will be here to help and then leave me for good. In a way I don’t want to see him but I don’t want him to leave. Its like yin and yang. I want to see the light but I don’t want to be left in the dark but I bask in the dark but not see the light. I don’t know what to say really. Mostly after the talk with is friend made me cry to the point I started to shake badly. I started to shiver and cry and I started to feel sick. It really hurts. But when he called I was numb and I didn’t have much to say since he really didn’t let me say much. A part of me feels maybe I should had kept quiet but I couldn’t take anymore. Promises he never kept and then say he never made them and saying I was wrong. If there wasn’t anything wrong I wouldn’t be upset. I wouldn’t say anything in fact I wouldn’t be here still shaking, in a way hoping that maybe he might stay as a friend. But I doubt it. I just don’t understand why he acts as if he never did anything wrong. Why he can’t seem to see where I am. To still believe that I had someone call him last time when I explained I didn’t tell them to they did it upon himself but he still doesn’t believe it. I just don’t know what to do. If I should let go of him for good or still wait? I just don’t know. Its like the other thing that bothered me was he was telling one person one thing and then telling me another. So now my trust with him is kinda damaged. I feel like he’s just like my dad telling me what he wants me to hear and then telling someone else something else. 😦 and that’s what made me cry as well. To fall in love with someone who isn’t showing me any care or taking any time with me. That’s all I asked as well as telling me what he wanted to do. But he never did…So I wondering where I went wrong. Any suggestions of what I did wrong?

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